Posted in Advanced Motherhood, Basic Adulting, mental health, The adult playground

Scarcity: Pursuit of Happiness

My son took this photo while I was at work and he used a silly face filter and shared it.
I laugh at it today, but 2 years ago. I did feel very much like this filter because I was feeling down
and very entangled in the hustle when I really needed a break.

When I get that job, I will be happy.

When I lose 10 pounds I will start dating again

When my boyfriend finally puts that ring on my finger, I can start planning the rest of my life

When I can afford that classic car, I will go on more road trips.

When I can bench press just another 25 pounds, I will feel strong.

When I get my doctorate degree, I will make more money.

When I make more money, I can spend more time with my family

When I get that promotion, I can finally take more time off

If I can eat healthier, I will lose weight

If I get that job, my family will be happier

If I could make just a little more money, I can buy that car

If I can buy that car, I can appear more attractive to women

If I could keep my house cleaner, I could have friends over more often

If I had a bigger house, I would invite people over

I wish I could make art

I wish I was prettier

I wish had had more muscle

I wish I had a better body

I wish I had more money

I wish I was thin

I wish I wasn’t sick

Do you do this: attach your happiness to your goals? Goal setting is a noble act, but the steps to the goal are as well. I will actually make a concept map or lists just feel the accomplishment in small steps so that I am also enjoying the path to the goal. Yet what do we do as soon as we achieve our goals? We make another one. During that space between goals, do you savor it? For how long? After the initial elation, does the feeling start to fade to the sensation of lack because there is something else we want to reach to be better? Why do we continue a cycle of scarcity? Is it a culturally imprinted illusion? We live and many of us born into a hustle environment.

Our culture thrives on insatiable drive and I am still trying to decide if that drive is more of a draining of the soul rather than a purposeful pursuit. I think that there is some space between and I have a tough time being in that space despite that it’s uncomfortable standing on the edge. Thoughts?

I took that break and I feel a lot better. I make jam, listen to music and I am actively looking for meaningful work. In the meantime, I stay productive and I am mostly content with my imperfect life.

There is a little post-trauma stress based on watching my oldest son go through an intense metamorphosis that is part mental illness, part finding an identity, part dismal political and environmental surroundings among other things.  I try to help and then I suck at it because I just fall into what I know how to do: Nag! I am hoping my own growth eliminates this habit.

via Rose Vision: Fake Work Ethic

Rose Vision: Fake Work Ethic

Without going into so many details about place, I want to share something heavy.  A few days ago, someone said that the notion of grieving solely about our lost loved one misses the point that we experienced death. A death of what our lives were and what we had imagined them to be.  In grief, we often focus on the missed person and not the death that occurs in ourselves. Within days of writing this, I lost my closest uncle too. Three weeks prior, we lost the youngest uncle in our family. 2018 has had a rough start for my family.  Read more by clicking the link below

via Hiraeth


I don’t want this to sound like I think traditional grief and the stages don’t matter, because I wish that I could go through what most people get to.  I resent the fact that I am unable to do it. I resent his disease because his actions make it impossible for me to grieve. I still struggle with separating my resentment towards the disease and him. I feel like shit writing that. Read more by clicking below

via Collage of Clues?

Collage of Clues?

If you read The Three Griefs 2017, you will get a little understanding of what my last year looked like and what has compelled me to write.  I received so much feedback and thoughtful response. My post actually helped others, which was an unexpected outcome helping me and hopefully them feel less alone.  I also had more positive memories about my comadre just last night that didn’t illicit bitterness or anger.  I moved forward. I went from why is this happening to what can I do about it. Powerful.

via 2018: Why is this happening to What do I do.

2018: Why is this happening to What do I do.

So if anyone reads this, I have a friend who told me about the custom of having a “year in black” to signify grief, so people around you are more gentle. I am still wondering how that works with grieving a living person. Nonetheless, I need my year in black and I would appreciate if this cruel world would allow me to have it in 2018. Read more below.

via The Three Griefs 2017

The Three Griefs 2017